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30 New Bachelor Contestants, 30 New Weird Contestant Biographies to Fix

the bachelor

the bachelor
Image: ABC

Few long-running reality shows stick more to their rhythms and rituals than ABC’s. bachelor/single franchise. Every few months, like clockwork, a crop of 20-30 20-30 somethings – all with very shiny teeth and titles like “Executive Executive” or “Professional Thinker” – are paraded in front of the people of America for a superficial presentation. reading, before being sent off to one of the show’s many complexes so we can all hope they’ll do something romantic or, possibly, racist. Everyone is apparently in the business of love and therefore decided to pursue that romantic aspiration through a high-intensity reality show that has produced exactly 6 ongoing romantic relationships in its 20+ years of operation. (We’re not cynical; it’s the statistics.)

For the heartless and unloved like us trapped outside this glorious love treadmill, the arrival of a new batch of bachelor contestants can mean only one thing: peruse the show-provided bios of each of these 30 new contestants to find the weirdest thing about each one. (There’s always something; the writers who condense the contestants’ interviews into these little tidbits have an uncanny knack for including some alien space element in almost every one of them.) We, too, typically put this kind of scrutiny on The Bachelor himself, although in this case we don’t need to: We’ve already met that new bachelor (and ex-girlfriend) single competitor) Zach Shallcross is actor Patrick Warburton’s nephewwhich means that marrying him means you can have a Thanksgiving year with Puddy/Kronk, and nothing could be stranger than that.

So, here it is: the 30 women who will fight for the heart of Shallcross, identified by their ages, hometowns and, most importantly, the weirdest thing we could find about them. Which, we hasten to add, we did not invent. We know it feels like we made some of them up! If you want to confirm – and see what these women really look like and read about what they’re really like there to right reasons—you may click to Varietysummary of.

Anyway, here goes:

  • Aly, 26, Atlanta: “Aly is a proud china doll collector.”
  • Anastasia, 30, San Diego: “I always felt a strong connection with Cleopatra.”
  • Ariel, 28, New York: Seems pretty normal, though we’re not sure why she needed to specify that she “doesn’t do tarantulas under any circumstances.”
  • Bailey, 27, Nashville: Fairly standard biography, but thinks the bachelor it’s “the perfect place” to find “the one”, which is deeply depressing.
  • Becca, 25, Burbank: Becca’s bio starts with “Becca is amazing”, which is a real bachelor movement of biological energy.
  • Brianna, 24, Jersey City: “Brianna created her own language as a child.”
  • Brooklyn, 25, Stillwater: Every sentence in Brooklyn’s bio is about how she wants to be a professional rodeo racer, except this one: “But now, Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice, where she designs custom teeth for life-changing dental procedures.”
  • Cara, 27, Pittsburgh: “Cara isn’t a great cook, but she’s great at ‘meal prep’.”
  • Cat, 26, New York: “Cat LOVES hot dogs,” griffin the bachelor‘s.
  • Charity, 26, Columbus: “Charity wants to move to Disneyworld one day,” which, combined with the next factoid – “Charity throws a cruel axe” – has already written half of our next screenplay for us.
  • Christina, 26, Nashville: “Considers herself a grandmother to her daughter’s pet turtle.”
  • Davia, 25, Charleston: Sometimes the placement of these synopses is like short stories. For example: “Davia could live on oysters”, followed immediately by “Davia says she can burp anyone”.
  • Gabi, 25, Pittsford: Gabby “hopes to have her own pilates studio one day,” despite already being an “account executive,” a bachelor-Sound work.
  • Genevie, 26, Baltimore: Genevie “is afraid of animals bigger than she is.”
  • Greer, 24, Houston: Greer is “a freak for forehead kisses,” which is technically sweet, we guess.
  • Holland, 24, Boca Raton: “Holland’s favorite TV show is the bachelor”, which we think should be grounds for immediate disqualification from this program.
  • Jessica, 23, Winter Springs: Were we one of the youngest contestants on a dating reality show with a historical problem with age gaps, we might not start with “could play Bananagrams all day and never get bored” as an introductory fact.
  • Kaity, 27, Austin: “Kaity likes to swim but hates that sharks can be swimming under her.”
  • Katherine, 26, Tampa: “People tell Katherine that she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.” all The Hour. It’s annoying, really! Boy, did she wish they’d stop.
  • Kimberly, 30, Los Angeles: It looks so normal it’s almost suspicious. “Loves old-school hip-hop.” What is she hiding?
  • Kylee, 25, Charlotte: Her celebrity crush is “Jimmy Garroppolo,” who is apparently a real person, and not just what you’d get if you woke a drunk person out of solid sleep and asked them to name an alternative comedy it girl of the early 1990s.
  • Lekha, 29, Miami: Lekha’s biography mentions that her parents had an arranged marriage, but it doesn’t clarify how they feel about ceding important marriage duties to the Disney Corporation.
  • Madison, 26, Fargo: “Madison doesn’t like ALL sauces,” emphasis the bachelor‘s.
  • Mercedes, 24, Bloomfield: “Mercedes’s hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair” and she “loves to drive around with the windows down, playing country music on full blast.” Mercedes sounds like a joke, honestly.
  • Olivia L., 24, Rochester: “Watching Grey’s Anatomy inspired Olivia’s desire to work in the medical field.”
  • Olivia M., 25, Cincinnati: “Olivia’s special talent is sounding like a dolphin.”
  • Sonia, 29, Long Island: We could focus on Sonia being “obsessed with Elvis,” but we’re too distracted by her desire to raise “three golden retrievers” at once. Jesus Christ, this sounds exhausting.
  • Vanessa, 23, Baton Rouge: “Growing up, Vanessa played a lot of freeze tag.”
  • Victoria J., 30, Fort Worth: Victoria “doesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson” who is the worst burn in The King Of Staten Island we will probably find in these bios.
  • Viktoria E., 29, Vienna: “Viktoria doesn’t eat blue tortilla chips.” Every woman has to have a code.

the bachelor returns for its 27th season on January 23.